The first time I noticed that cheeky hitch-hiker was after my first pregnancy. As a new Mum I was at home full-time, lonely and tired; food was a comforting staple when there was nobody to talk to.
I got used to bigger portions and regular cupboard cruising, and soon I was 7 kilos heavier. That unwelcome guest made itself known by rolling over the top of my jeans, forcing me out of a bikini and forming a spare tyre under my bra.
A second baby, 2 miscarriages and an international re-location invited a further 3 kilos to join the party; they felt right at home snuggling into my belly and thighs. I adjusted clothing sizes, styles and stopped trying things on at the shops; bright lights and multiple mirrors were no longer my friends!
And now here I am, 43 years old, adapting my life to suit that unwelcome guest; my extra 10 Kilos!
I make that 10 Kilos feel very welcome, adjusting all sorts of things so she can live with me.
I walk instead of running to avoid jiggling too much, I wear stretch jeans to accommodate her and loose floaty tops to flatter her. In fact, we’ve really become friends; she’s a symbol of all those moments of happiness found in eating second helpings, saying yes to pudding and washing it down with plenty of wine. Why would I even want to get rid of her?
And there it is, the burning unanswered question; what’s my Why?
Changing My Why
Awareness precedes change
I have made many attempts over the years to change, but I never identified my why. What was my inspiring reason to commit, to persist when it got tough and drive myself to achieve change? I’ve been working to discover my why, and it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be.
My why, my purpose and my inspiration for the last 15 years has been my children. They are the light that brightens every day and the reason I get up in the morning. I am a Mum that has thrown myself into parenting, thriving on being needed. But I’m at a cross roads now; they don’t need me as much!
At 12 and 15 I’ve done my job well and they are confident happy people growing to independence. I’m proud of the young men they’re becoming, but I’m aware of a silence surrounding me. I hadn’t noticed it before because it was filled with children’s voices; asking for a story, clamoring for dinner, laughing with their friends.
In the silence after they go out for the day, I find what’s left of me. And I’m not sure I like what I see.
I see someone who:
- Snacks secretly in the pantry
- Get’s undressed with the lights off
- Hopes her husband doesn’t catch sight of her in the shower
- Edits herself out of the family photo album
- Holds her tummy in when looking in the mirror
- Is horrified to see her reflection when she forgets to hold her tummy in!
- Can’t remember the last time she felt good naked
- Worries about wearing bathers in public
- Stopped feeling sexy a long time ago
Yesterday an article by Mark Manson brought a new level of awareness to my thinking. He wrote about the lies we tell ourselves and it dawned on me; I can’t find my why until I recognise my lie.
What’s My Lie?
Instead of asking what’s my why, ask what’s my lie?
I spotted mine pretty quickly when I re-read this post.
I wrote that I’ve become friends with that extra 10 Kilos. How can I imagine calling this impostor a friend?
She’s hijacked my wardrobe, turned the lights out on my sex life and made me feel like a victim! I would never put up with that from a friend, and I WONT put up with it from her!
So I’m breaking up with her, we’re finished!
I know she won’t go easily, it’ll be a messy, but I’m determined to find the me I really want to be.
What’s My Why?
My why, my purpose, my inspiration is to lose weight and get fit:
- To feel sexy again – I want to feel confident, desirable and passionate
- To prove that I can change – I want to prove to myself that I can stick to something and make a change
- To feel proud of my photo in the family album – I want to see photos of me laughing, connecting and exploring with my family.
What’s your why?
Have you got a purpose that drives you? I’d love to hear your story in the comments.
Lisa is about to embark on a 6 week mind & body transformation, follow her journey and read her reflections by signing up for weekly email updates.
For more information on body transformation follow the link to Advanced Fitness.